diary, Personal

thursday february 7, 2019

7:42pm

hey journal i feel weird as hell right now. today’s been…. spacey.

i woke up to four missed calls and an angry friend. ended the day wavy as hell with that same friend. but… i’m out of spoons.

i’ve felt… so good the past couple days. and i feel like i’m getting my power back. but even the littlest things seem to zap me of my energy… i feel… so selfish… but i feel like i need a break from everything.

i don’t even know who i’m apologizing to but wow i’m so sorry and i feel so guilty… i always feel so guilty?

i had the weirdest dream last night…

have i ever told you about my dreams? so all of my sleep time takes place in the place… like… the same plane/universe? and it’s like a continuation of itself every night. and recently i’m finding that i can control some certain aspects – not all, and not always well – but some.

but last night?

wild.

i felt like i was existing in too many planes at once. like i was being stretched between realities? like i knew i was dreaming but i kept getting confused in my dream about where i was and what i was trying to do and couldn’t wake myself up like usual..

it was actually really disorienting. like i’ve felt out of it all day.

i just had the purest moment of my life with my baby.

love of my life, honestly. the only constant i’ve ever had. pure love.

she’s just laying with me and snuggling me like she knows i feel bad right now. she’s acting how she used to when my depression was at its worst — she’s the best lil therapy cat ever and i love her more than anything.

i think. i need time with my true heart and soul connections. like my baby and my writing and my lover and my craft. i need to align myself with what i WANT instead of focusing so hard on changing what i DON’T. i need a headspace rearrangement. a soul realignment. an emotional readjustment.

i need to focus on the good instead of the bad. put my energy and intentions to good use. i need to follow my own gosh darn advise honestly. i’m so sick of myself not listening to myself.

but also………….. i feel better about myself than i have in a long ass while. i’m doing.. really well i think. i’m trying really hard. i just need to keep trying every day. it’ll get easier and i’ll get stronger.

goodnight moon.

mmt

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