this post was supposed to be about the benefits of sobriety but uh it turns out i suck at being consistent so now we’re here to talk about my biggest problem: accountability.
let’s get right down to it: this has become the bane of my existence. i used to be so self-sufficient, truly. but after spending so much time in my trauma-induced slump i just… lost it.
and yes, i think some of it has been and will always be affected this way because of my mental illness. but, honesty, i think it’s gotten to the point where i use my mental illness as a crutch.
i don’t think this was ever intentional. i (obviously) never wanted this. but i think depression becomes a bit of a habit.
now what do i mean by that?
i feel like, sometimes, our minds can trap us in a sort of self-inflicted prison.
honestly, i’m having more trouble writing this than i thought, and i’m not 100% sure why?
i think…. i’m scared… of failure?
i think, in my lizard brain, i’m scared that if i tell myself i’ll do something – and then fuck it up – that’s even worse than never trying in the first place. so i’ve become complacent in my mediocrity.
and, honestly? i’m fucking sick of it.
it’s time to be better.
so how do we do that when we still have to wear the cement shoes of depression?
i’m not sure yet, but i’m determined to make some moves. keep pushing and pulling myself forward.
but i have to be honest with myself about my limits – and that in itself can be so frustrating.
i used to be able to accomplish so much in one day.
i feel like i used to be able to conquer the world before my trauma.
but i’m tired of living in that headspace.
i deserve better.
let me say that again: i deserve better.
because, i think, for so long i had forgotten that. and i hadn’t believed it.
so i how do we turn this new belief, this new found motivation and faith in myself, into something productive? into something meaningful? into something fulfilling?
for me, it’s lists and planners.
for my date mate, it’s music and reminders.
for different people, it’s different things. but i think it comes down to this: utilize your natural strengths, you may surprise yourself. let your truest self shine through and guide you.
because, honestly, somethings just aren’t worth the spoons. not worth the energy.
so don’t stress about the things that are out of your control. but don’t give up working on yourself everyday. don’t become complacent in self-doubt and fear.
keep striving, keep thriving.