diary, Personal

august 19, 2019 — monday

8:07pm

i’ve been being shy here and i’m sick of it so hi y’all this is me officially reclaiming space.

triggering warning for the following rant/////

i’m struggling. i’ve had to come to a lot of internal realizations lately and it’s exhausting.

i’m on day two of sobriety and my body aches. i want to cry for almost no reason. i don’t know how to feel or act or think.

i’m lonely. i miss my friend. but she’s off in another world that i can’t be a part of right now. and it hurts.

everything is spinning.

i’m trying so hard to sober up, i’m trying so hard to be my best self. i’m trying so hard to heal.

but fuck man this is HARD.

and i got a new job! and i love my job! but holy fuck a bitch is TIRED. i only work 4 hour shifts and my body is not adjusting well to this baby shift at all. i’m disappointed in myself constantly. i want to drink always but damn i’m killing myself man.

a bitch is tired. full body tired. mentally drained. emotionally exhausted. tired.

i don’t even know what to write anymore. i haven’t focusing on freelovingwitch at all and my soul is aching because of it. i miss my coven. i miss what i bring to the coven and what the coven brings to me.

i crave stability. why is this hard.

i have an appt with jenny tomorrow. i don’t even know what to say

“hi i’m back my life implodes on a weekly basis and i’ve finally bottomed our with my addictions! go team!”

i hate myself sometimes.

but fuck man

i have SO MANY good things right now and i’m SO SCARED that i’m gonna fuck it all up

i just keep saying “i want to go home” bit i’m sitting on my couch and it’s doing something weird to my brain.

i’m tired.

i hope i write more tomorrow. i hope i wake up and do yoga. and i hope i feel a little more content. i have faith in my future self so i’m going to do them a favor and get some actual REST.

xx

mmt

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