diary

11/30/2019 — saturday

5:10pm

hi whats up in 23 and never learned how to properly articulate my emotions

i just feel fuckn bummed. like maybe it’s weather i guess but shit this is hitting HARD. i don’t even know that i’m “sad” i’m just definitely not “happy” and this shit is getting out of hand

here’s a picture of belle to lighten the mood before i spiral

anyways

let’s see where do i even begin.

i’m cooped up in the house all day. the weather is miserable so i never go outside. i don’t have room to do proper yoga. i don’t have energy to to art. i don’t have the attention span to read. i’m a straight up MESS lately

and i feel dissatisfied in EVERY aspect of my life

i’m terrible person but i don’t even feel close to my lover,,,, not that i don’t absolutely LOVE them with my whole heart,,,,, i just feel so distant from everything and nothing feels okay

i smoke too much again. and i drink all the time again.

i wrote about 25k words for NaNoWriMo this year but then the story in my head triggered me and i spiraled. and now here i am??? but i’m not okay!!!!! and i feel like i’m shouting and flailing my arms and no one is listening!!!! no one can hear me and no one can help me!!!!! and i just have to figure this out myself but i don’t know HOW

i don’t even know where to start

i make lists for myself everyday but don’t have the energy for the follow thru.

i get sad by noon

and i sleep until about 2 in the afternoon

idk mate

i feel,,,,,, a longing in my heart and soul

like i’m missing something but i cant quite put my finger on what it is

but there’s a hole… and i don’t know how to fill it

nothing satisfies it

i’m stuck

maybe it’s me that i miss

but how do i get myself back. where did i even go? am i even gone? what the hell am i doing

i just keep second guessing myself and going off on tangents in my own mind

i need to rest now. do something different. phone a friend.

i’ll be back tomorrow…..

mmt

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.