a cute little handmade trinket dish filled to the brim with crystals and herb kits and other goodies! message me if you’re interested!!!!
MAJOR SITE UPDATES COMING SOON (2020)
so tbh,,,, i￼ has been SLACKING. i wrote about 25k words for NaNoWriMo which is a awesome! but then i got into a bit of slump!
i think it’s that pesky time change, honestly.
but anyway i’ve had this awesome new idea and i’ve been spit balling little bits and pieces all over different social media platforms but this will be the ~official launch~ and i really feel like i’m picking up steam!
i have a ton of awesome of ideas for:
🌈 an etsy shop relaunch
🌈 a blog relaunch
🌈 starting up my diary posts bc i miss venting to y’all
so here’s the thing, theydies and gentlethems, i am absolutely TERRIBLE at taking my own advice.
i go into everything with best intentions – best laid plans and all that jazz – and i even come here and recount my best intentions and efforts! but do i follow through? not nearly as wholeheartedly as i wish i could i say here.
i’ve talked about habits and routines and why planners are essential for me. i’ve talked about how i color coordinated my entire existence and helped make a system that works for me — so why can i never get passed tuesday when it comes to habit tracking?
i run out of spoons.
i run out of energy.
i push myself so fucking hard sunday, monday, and tuesday that by the time wednesday rolls around i am EXHAUSTED and ready to spiral.
so how do i learn to take my own advice?
“moderation in all things; including moderation”
break my goals into tiny chunks and STICK TO IT
i can’t tell you how many times i’ve “fallen off the wagon” whether its daily habit tracking or sobriety. i set up lofty goals for myself. i set up a schedule so rigid it’s be impossible to follow. i set myself up to fail.
but i’m ready to do better.
one day at a time.
one day at a time.
one day at a time.
so i’ll be back to my diary posts for accountability tracking. i’m working really hard to (1) sober up, (2) quit smoking, and (3) train for a 5k! i’m excited for this adventure and honestly i’m just using this as a space to talk myself through the hard days 🤙🏼 have fun watching the train wreck that will be my “recovery”
what is UP theydies and gentlethems? i hope you’re all having a lovely week.
usually today i’d do a ~cozy post~ but i’m interrupting our usual programming for an announcement from The Home Brew
SUBMISSIONS FOR ISSUE ONE CLOSE ON SEPTEMBER 22.
(submissions are ABSOLUTELY still welcome but they will be pushed back to the second issue!)
i have received some of the most beautiful pieces of art i have ever seen, i absolutely love this. i am so excited to be able to create a community of rad human artists and creatives and give us a space to GROW as artists and as people! thank you for sharing your soul work with me!
“a monthly literary and art publication coming soon to a browser near you (and maybe even as a physical zine!)
The Home Brew is here to be creative cauldron of ideas. a place where the voices of those in the shadows can come together and meld into something magical.
i’m hoping to discuss topics such as:
mental health awareness
mixed media/digital art
and whatever else we can come up with together”
all mediums are welcome! the submissions info is as follows:
• email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
in the email – use the subject SUBMISSION – and include the following:
• who are you? (name, pronouns, passions, whatever you’d like everyone to know about you)
• what are you submitting? (is it a song? a poetry collection? a website? an entire soundcloud account/album? let me know) describe it!
• what’s your creative process like?
• what would you like to say about what you’re submitting
• links to promote you (blog, twitter handle, insta name, etc)
• something that makes you YOU! what is your passions what is your purpose what pushes you to create!
attach any links or files you’d like to be reviewed and anything else you’d like me to know.
i’m scared to sleep. i don’t know why, or if i even have a real reason, but i’m scared. i used to have nightmares. and sometimes i still do. but they’re different now. (a whoooooooole ass different topic on why my dreams are constantly nightmares sometimes but uh) they’re less ~real~
i always know i’m dreaming. but it’s these feelings that i’m left with when i wake up.
it’s funny, you know? tracking certain habits and realizing certain things about yourself.
i’ve been so afraid of sleep.
whenever my body gets tired my brain goes into panic mode – fight, flight, freeze, panic, self harm, drink, smoke, whatever. it’s a trigger. and anything that’s makes me tired triggers me and you know what absolutely sucks? my stamina has been so nerfed by illness that i can’t even work a PARTtime job without getting so depressed i have suicidal ideations.
is this shit normal?
probably not, right?
i’m getting off track
i’m way off track.
i was talking about dreams.
i have an aversion to talking about my dreams lately. i even stopped writing in my dream journal. not on purpose really, it just sort of happened. and it’s literally the worst things that could’ve happened when my nightmares flare up like this. plus i’ve been disassociating a lot. it’s fuzzy. everything’s fuzzy. the line between dream and awake is… fuzzy.
so i thought maybe journaling before bed and getting all the fuzzy feeling out would help. but my brain didn’t want to say anything hence the two sentence long post stuck to my page ahead of this one. but then i was like “no, this is your space and you’re allowed to document your journey- even on the hard days”
and wow like fuck me for rambling on the internet right? but whatever man. i know what i’m about.
guess what internet. wanna hear something that’s apparently ~controversial~
i’m 1 week sober! (from alcohol)
((i still smoke but i’m working on it))
and like fam squad let me be real with you i am STRUGGLING with this shit. and like…. i got added to a harm reduction group on facebook and it was nice for about three seconds and then and i hated it and now i’m just bummed. like every path in recovery is different and valid. but sometimes we just need to separate ourselves with beliefs that don’t align with out. not to close off our perceptions; but to become fully rooted in ourSELF. to learn to think for ourself. idk i just got real bummed when peeps are being shamed for counting days of sobriety??? like i’m on day 7 and i’m PROUD of mySELF but “what about day 14?” what about relapse? what about all the “choices” we make?
i’m grinding my teeth.
i don’t even remover my point.
i should be happy. i think that’s what really upsetting me i should be happy but i’m not
and i don’t know how to cope with that?
i climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed my way out of this pit. and my brain is still broken.
fuck i mean there’s a whole other level of ~trauma~ just waiting to be dug through.
but at the end of the day; i have everything i need and i everything i’ve worked for.
and it’s not enough? or i still feel empty? or i feel so disconnected that i’ve forgotten what fulfillment even feels like.
my wrists hurt. what’s happening.
yesterday was a good day. i only smoked once cigarette.
today was miserable and i smoked half a pack and now it’s nine o’clock at night and i’m scared to go to sleep and i want to go outside and chain smoke until my chest hurts
i don’t even know why i’m here anymore.
maybe one day i’ll be an alaska or an alice because today i’m just depression
and that scares that hell out of me.
i like to think of if myself as: alaska young if alaska young had survived the car accident and went through the recovery process.
i’ve been saying this to myself since since i was 17
which was a win, really, because up to that point i hoped to be like the actual alaska young by the time i turned 17.
i’ve been going through “recovery” for… seven and a half years now.
i’m having a crisis. do things get better? of course they do. right? like i’m DOING BETTER but i FEEL LIKE DEATH.
and holy MOLY i want to cry. all the time. all the time.
i should be writing eloquent essays on topics i’m passionate about but here i am rambling to nobody in particular at 10 o’clock on a wednesday because i’m scared of sleeping and waking up on thursday.
my life is so much better but so much worse and it’s just miserable, not magical, oh yea.
there’s a 97% chance i won’t hit publish on this at this point because i feel like it’s just manic panic depressive rambles……… can you be manic and depressive at the same time? and don’t be like “bitch you’re bipolar” bitch i know i’m bipolar but that’s not the same shit. my brain hURTS
but let’s see.
i used to be so passionate. and i guess i still am. i’m just tired?
i have an alarm set for tomorrow and a lil to-do list for my morning before IOP.
it’s been nice being off social media. i think that’s another reason i’ve been so bad at posting lately though.
but it’s been good for my mental health.
the only outlets i’ve been using is this for my little diary ramble posts and my dumbass ~fitsagram~ where i was tracking my physical health journey but has now spiraled into a shit show such as you see here
anyways here’s a picture of belle. my only reason worth living 🤙🏼