honestly, today started out terribly. but i’m trying to keep a good spin on it.
i feel so disconnected lately.
and i’m not really sure who i am anymore.
i feel scattered.
i drew The Wind in a dream the other night. and that’s kind of how i feel.
and i guess part of it could be seasonal depression but it feel,,,, ~different~ than that.
• let me tell you the things that i do know, maybe as a record of where i am, now in this time, even just for myself:
• my name is megan marie and i’m a 23 year old creative cat mom. i guess thats the true base of who i see myself as. i like art a lot and belle is my baby my therapy cat and my familiar. i like to create things but sometimes i feel unmotivated, especially lately. i don’t really know anything other than that.
• isn’t that sad? that i can’t even come up with anything about myself? what do i like? what do i dislike? my lover says i’m in a ~mood~ where i “hate” everything but that doesn’t feel right either.
• and it’s the little things, you know? like how i say i love to paint but i never do it. or how i say i love yoga but i don’t actually make time to practice and meditate.
• am i just lazy? do i just lack the essential ability to follow through? what do i do?
• my name is megan marie and i write. and i feel. and sometimes i feel so much thats it’s overwhelming in my very being and i don’t know where my feelings end and others begin. buts it’s become my normal. i don’t notice a difference. my therapist used to call it codependency. i hated her.
• but i love to write. i always have. mainly because i constantly have an inner monologue that screams at me 24/7 until i scribble wildly with reckless abandon. and right now i have FOUR whole project that i’m working on but guess who’s a big ol dummy who never actually sits down and writes? you guessed it, it’s me.
• i want to feel….. invested? in something again. in myself again. and i don’t know how to do that. but i guess i’ll work on that.
• so here we are, the breakdown, where shit gets real. the manifestations. what do i want to be how do i make that a reality.
• i want to quit smoking, i’ve been saying it for a million years and at this points it’s just ridiculous that i haven’t quit. i’m really not proud of myself. i want to write a couple pieces for my projects everyday. i want to do yoga everyday. i want to read more and i want to create more. i want to set aside time for reading before bed and i want to set time through out my day to work on new projects.
• i also want to reconnect with my higher self. i feel so slumped over lately, like i’ve truly been cut off, and it aches. my solar plexus and heart chakra hurt almost constantly and i feel,,,, homesick. i’m not sure where home is though. what am i missing?
• i also keep having nightmares. but they aren’t the recurring ones i used to have. they exist in the same world still, but these are different. but they have the same feeling? like continuity. but i keep —jolting— awake. and it’s scary. i said i was for to start keeping better track of my dreams but they get so hazy. i’ll try harder.
• i have class tomorrow and i dont want to go and i figured out why. i feel inadequate. i don’t feel like i belong in any of my classes. and it’s bummy. wow and don’t tell anyone but especially my circuit training class i just feel so chubby 🙁
• but i’m making myself promise to not ditch anymore. because i kind of have been. and i know i shouldn’t. but i get so scared.
• i’m going to try to be better. the best version of me i can be.