creative writing, Personal, poetry

#NaNoWriMo2019

what is up theydies and gentlethems! today i wanted to chitchat a little about NaNoWriMo and what i’ll be working on for the next month!

for those of you who don’t know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month! every november the writers of the inter-web stress over their keyboards to jot down 50,000 words – the first draft of a new novel!

this year i’ll be working on a story called “Surviving the Labyrinth” it tells the story of struggling though recovery, the ups and downs of that vicious cycle, and how different methods of healing can help! it’ll be told through narrative, dream sequences, and journal entries! i’m stoked!

here’s a snippet:

“i hear your voice raging from outside my door and the sound of my heart pounding in my chest. it’s like all the oxygen has left the room and my lungs are collapsing. you pound at the door again, threatening to invade. i close my eyes. i try to scream but no words come out. i try to run but there’s nowhere to go. i’m hiding inside myself now. trapped. but, by who? you or my own damn self. i hear your voice, filled with anger, shouting obscenities in my direction.

everything goes silent. i catch my breath.

but then the door handle turns and all of sudden there you are. invading my house. invading my room. invading…

i jolt up, eyes open, drenched in a cold sweat.

inhale count to four

exhale count to eight

inhale count to four

exhale count to eight

i start to hyperventilate. i’ll never figure out these damn breathing exercises. my wrists ache like they’re desperate for release of the demons inside them.

i try to reason with the monsters inside my head but they follow no path of logic. just the knowledge that hurting myself is easier than letting you hurt me, still, after all this time.

i look at my clock: three in the morning.

nightmares right on schedule. i stare at my ceiling fan and try to follow its path with my eyes, counting its rotations. too exhausted to do anything productive but too petrified to fall back asleep. i grab my journal out from under my bed:

march 28, 2014 — 3:16am

i’m tired… literally and figuratively. i’m drowning in so many emotions and i’m tired of trying to come up for air. the nightmares haven’t stopped. it’s been almost three goddamn years and the nightmares still won’t stop. what am i doing wrong?…”

***

i know, it’s a bit heavier than a lot of my other work… but it’s time to get these demons out of my mind. im determined to tell and share my story and rinse myself clean from negativity of the past — ready or not!

mmt

diary, Personal

a bitch is back — 10/21/19

8:37pm

what’s up nerds i’m back danananana back in action

i’m really trying to keep track of my SHIT now. it’s been a rough….. lifetime. but i’m making progress everyday.

today i crushed my first day of a new job! and i secured another interview for something a little more stable! it’s also work i’m actually EXCITED about! so that feels like a blessing.

i’ve been writing more! everyday! sometimes they’re terrible little scribbles but damn it makes me feel better.

alarm is set for 5am tomorrow and i’m ready for another kick ass day

🐱🌱🖤🌻

mmt

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 11/365

blinking cursor and

blank screen

my mortal enemy

as my the voice in me

screams

i let them escape

with reckless abandon

and throw myself into the

wake of my destruction

for what shall i snare today

with this harpoon in my hand

but then it stops

or overflows

and falls back into a puddle of sloppy ink

dammed again

Personal

getting back on track

hi theydies and gentlethems; i’m a bit of a mess lately.

if you hadn’t noticed, i haven’t exactly been sticking to my posting schedule. i know, i know, for shame!

but i wanted to take this time to tell y’alls about what i’ve been up to and what’s been going on with me and what i’m working on so leeeeeeets go!

i’ve been focusing on my ~Self~ lately and my health, recovery, and all around general well-being! and it’s going really well. i’m back to tracking on my little side fitness instagram (doingmybestdontyellatme LOL) and i’ve lost 5 pounds! i know it’s not a lot but baby steps make all the difference i just know it. i also got all my shit taken care of to get back into school!!! i’m so pumped- and i finally know for sure what i want to do and it’s sooooo close i can taste it. i’m changing my major this spring to Sociology and then after i get my bachelors i’ll get my MFT license! i want to be a yoga therapist!

AND i have three tutoring jobs this week! i’m back to doing work i’m really passionate about and it’ll give me enough money to pay all my bills. i’m thrilled, truly. i feel blessed!

things have been a rollercoaster lately (and i’m sure they will be for a while) but i’m starting to get used to it. starting to feel a little more comfortable and confident!

NaNoWriMo starts in a couple weeks and i have my next book all planned out! i cant wait to share more of it with you all next month!

and don’t forget — submissions for The Home Brew are still OPEN so make sure you message me or email me! i’d love to see your heart work 🖤

i think i’m going to start doing my diary posts again! i think they’re really good for me and they help me put my day-to-day stuff in perspective. expect more rambles!

much love — mmt

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 10/365

i lost track of the days

and then the nights started to blend into one another

i missed you

you were gone for so long

and i was lost without you

but i have faith in you and i know you’ll stick around this time

i won’t push you away anymore

i won’t shrink you down to feel less than you’re worth

i really, truly do love you

and everything that you’ve done for me

unconditionally from here in out

bless this home we’ve made for ourselves

— love notes to my damn self

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 9/365

speak it into existence

inhale – exhale

count to eight

hold the image in your mind

make it so real that you can feel it,

be in it

hold still and sit with it

become one with your minds eye

inhale – exhale

count to six

release anything that no longer serves you

dispel thoughts of sadness

and revel in this new scene

be one

be still

be steady

inhale – exhale

count to four

you’re so close now

just breathe

inhale – exhale

inhale – exhale

inhale – exhale

palm to palm

eyes begin to flutter

we’re coming back now

slowly but surely

we will arrive

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 8/365

but where will i go when i no longer call

the light in your eyes home? where will i stay when your arms no longer wrap me gently in a comforting embrace?

i need you now. i need you here.

but where are we going? i’ve followed you on this path for so long and i feel as though i’ve started to walk in circles. you have a dizzying, dazing effect on me.

leave me be. i beg.

i’m better off in the dark than dazed by your light – drowning in a sea of confusion and hazy memories.

“you taste like whiskey” is the only thing i hear echoing through my skull.

“so did you” i think.

so did you.

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 7/365

now i lay me

down to sleep

i wipe my eyes

after i weep

if i shall die

before i wake

i pray this message

makes it safe

and sound to you

before i go

please take your leave

and slowly row

yourself down the river

to your new home

where i’ll meet you

in the next light or life

before we meet

new souls we’ll greet

but forever intertwined

are you and i

so here i rest

and here i sleep

and under a new moon

i’m sure we’ll meet