creative writing, Personal, poetry

#NaNoWriMo2019

what is up theydies and gentlethems! today i wanted to chitchat a little about NaNoWriMo and what i’ll be working on for the next month!

for those of you who don’t know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month! every november the writers of the inter-web stress over their keyboards to jot down 50,000 words – the first draft of a new novel!

this year i’ll be working on a story called “Surviving the Labyrinth” it tells the story of struggling though recovery, the ups and downs of that vicious cycle, and how different methods of healing can help! it’ll be told through narrative, dream sequences, and journal entries! i’m stoked!

here’s a snippet:

“i hear your voice raging from outside my door and the sound of my heart pounding in my chest. it’s like all the oxygen has left the room and my lungs are collapsing. you pound at the door again, threatening to invade. i close my eyes. i try to scream but no words come out. i try to run but there’s nowhere to go. i’m hiding inside myself now. trapped. but, by who? you or my own damn self. i hear your voice, filled with anger, shouting obscenities in my direction.

everything goes silent. i catch my breath.

but then the door handle turns and all of sudden there you are. invading my house. invading my room. invading…

i jolt up, eyes open, drenched in a cold sweat.

inhale count to four

exhale count to eight

inhale count to four

exhale count to eight

i start to hyperventilate. i’ll never figure out these damn breathing exercises. my wrists ache like they’re desperate for release of the demons inside them.

i try to reason with the monsters inside my head but they follow no path of logic. just the knowledge that hurting myself is easier than letting you hurt me, still, after all this time.

i look at my clock: three in the morning.

nightmares right on schedule. i stare at my ceiling fan and try to follow its path with my eyes, counting its rotations. too exhausted to do anything productive but too petrified to fall back asleep. i grab my journal out from under my bed:

march 28, 2014 — 3:16am

i’m tired… literally and figuratively. i’m drowning in so many emotions and i’m tired of trying to come up for air. the nightmares haven’t stopped. it’s been almost three goddamn years and the nightmares still won’t stop. what am i doing wrong?…”

***

i know, it’s a bit heavier than a lot of my other work… but it’s time to get these demons out of my mind. im determined to tell and share my story and rinse myself clean from negativity of the past — ready or not!

mmt

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 11/365

blinking cursor and

blank screen

my mortal enemy

as my the voice in me

screams

i let them escape

with reckless abandon

and throw myself into the

wake of my destruction

for what shall i snare today

with this harpoon in my hand

but then it stops

or overflows

and falls back into a puddle of sloppy ink

dammed again

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 10/365

i lost track of the days

and then the nights started to blend into one another

i missed you

you were gone for so long

and i was lost without you

but i have faith in you and i know you’ll stick around this time

i won’t push you away anymore

i won’t shrink you down to feel less than you’re worth

i really, truly do love you

and everything that you’ve done for me

unconditionally from here in out

bless this home we’ve made for ourselves

— love notes to my damn self

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 9/365

speak it into existence

inhale – exhale

count to eight

hold the image in your mind

make it so real that you can feel it,

be in it

hold still and sit with it

become one with your minds eye

inhale – exhale

count to six

release anything that no longer serves you

dispel thoughts of sadness

and revel in this new scene

be one

be still

be steady

inhale – exhale

count to four

you’re so close now

just breathe

inhale – exhale

inhale – exhale

inhale – exhale

palm to palm

eyes begin to flutter

we’re coming back now

slowly but surely

we will arrive

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 8/365

but where will i go when i no longer call

the light in your eyes home? where will i stay when your arms no longer wrap me gently in a comforting embrace?

i need you now. i need you here.

but where are we going? i’ve followed you on this path for so long and i feel as though i’ve started to walk in circles. you have a dizzying, dazing effect on me.

leave me be. i beg.

i’m better off in the dark than dazed by your light – drowning in a sea of confusion and hazy memories.

“you taste like whiskey” is the only thing i hear echoing through my skull.

“so did you” i think.

so did you.

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 7/365

now i lay me

down to sleep

i wipe my eyes

after i weep

if i shall die

before i wake

i pray this message

makes it safe

and sound to you

before i go

please take your leave

and slowly row

yourself down the river

to your new home

where i’ll meet you

in the next light or life

before we meet

new souls we’ll greet

but forever intertwined

are you and i

so here i rest

and here i sleep

and under a new moon

i’m sure we’ll meet

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 3/365

in the dark

i hear the call

to take my leave

as nighttime crawls

to greet the moon

with all her stars

i sit and listen

bathed in awe

i must go now

they beseech me still

but where will i land?

i ask the wind

and she waves on

brisk and light

leaving me in

another sleepless night

but i trudge on

for her i trust

to meet me home

each dawn and dusk

i follow the sound

that echoes through

my mind and soul

bathed anew

i see a glimmer

a stream of light

it’s coming to an end

this dreary night

i wrap myself

in a gentle hug

a needed embrace

for the one i love

the most in this world

i’ve found myself here

in the sunrise each morning

i hold myself dear

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 2/365

i peeled my eyes awake; flinching at the light. i could feel my entire expression contort into a grimace as i realized i had to face another day. not alone, but lonely — hollow in my surroundings. i could hear the silence. listening to the floor creak beneath me or the drone of the fridge or the hum of the lights overhead. this isn’t where i wanted to be. lost, again? i don’t know where to go anymore; or what to do. but i know i’m still looking for home.

i peeled my eyes awake; flinching at the light. i could feel my entire expression contort into a grimace as i realized i had to face another day. not alone, but lonely — hollow in my surroundings. i could hear the silence. listening to the floor creak beneath me or the drone of the fridge or the hum of the lights overhead. this isn’t where i wanted to be. lost, again? i don’t know where to go anymore; or what to do. but i know i’m still looking for home.

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 1/365

floating in the air –

drifting, hovering, suspended in the air –

i saw myself there.

and i gazed at my surroundings,

saw lifetimes in all directions,

and took in this new scenery .

what was i doing here? how did i get here?

what were the choices

and actions

and consequences that led me here,

to this moment of

drifting and gliding through a sea of pastel hues.

i needed to land.

needed the land

beneath my feet to dig and claw and

root into the earth.

i needed to grow.

i need to heal.

but i was here;

floating in mid air.

and it was uncomfortably beautiful,

the landscapes i was taking in

as i spiraled in the air.

but it wasn’t quite right.

like a spot the difference picture test

but i only had one image and everything about it felt off.

am i falling or am i flying?

where am i?

where am i?

where am i?