book club, Personal

welcome back to book club!

the homebrew book club is back! each week i’ll be ready a new book and chatting about here with y’all and on instagram! i’m also working with Raine Publishing to bring you the best of the best in new poetry and short stories! so you’ll get first looks at new projects by up and coming poets! i’m stoked!

this week, we’re reading Maroon Daydreams but Cheyenne Raine herself! i downloaded my copy of this book about a year ago but i never got around to reading it, truth be told. so i’m very excited to start it now and share my thoughts with all of you! make sure you also check out home brew books to stay up to date!

Personal

The Wind

honestly, today started out terribly. but i’m trying to keep a good spin on it.

i feel so disconnected lately.

lost.

and i’m not really sure who i am anymore.

i feel scattered.

i drew The Wind in a dream the other night. and that’s kind of how i feel.

and i guess part of it could be seasonal depression but it feel,,,, ~different~ than that.

• let me tell you the things that i do know, maybe as a record of where i am, now in this time, even just for myself:

• my name is megan marie and i’m a 23 year old creative cat mom. i guess thats the true base of who i see myself as. i like art a lot and belle is my baby my therapy cat and my familiar. i like to create things but sometimes i feel unmotivated, especially lately. i don’t really know anything other than that.

• isn’t that sad? that i can’t even come up with anything about myself? what do i like? what do i dislike? my lover says i’m in a ~mood~ where i “hate” everything but that doesn’t feel right either.

• and it’s the little things, you know? like how i say i love to paint but i never do it. or how i say i love yoga but i don’t actually make time to practice and meditate.

• am i just lazy? do i just lack the essential ability to follow through? what do i do?

• my name is megan marie and i write. and i feel. and sometimes i feel so much thats it’s overwhelming in my very being and i don’t know where my feelings end and others begin. buts it’s become my normal. i don’t notice a difference. my therapist used to call it codependency. i hated her.

• but i love to write. i always have. mainly because i constantly have an inner monologue that screams at me 24/7 until i scribble wildly with reckless abandon. and right now i have FOUR whole project that i’m working on but guess who’s a big ol dummy who never actually sits down and writes? you guessed it, it’s me.

• i want to feel….. invested? in something again. in myself again. and i don’t know how to do that. but i guess i’ll work on that.

• so here we are, the breakdown, where shit gets real. the manifestations. what do i want to be how do i make that a reality.

• i want to quit smoking, i’ve been saying it for a million years and at this points it’s just ridiculous that i haven’t quit. i’m really not proud of myself. i want to write a couple pieces for my projects everyday. i want to do yoga everyday. i want to read more and i want to create more. i want to set aside time for reading before bed and i want to set time through out my day to work on new projects.

• i also want to reconnect with my higher self. i feel so slumped over lately, like i’ve truly been cut off, and it aches. my solar plexus and heart chakra hurt almost constantly and i feel,,,, homesick. i’m not sure where home is though. what am i missing?

• i also keep having nightmares. but they aren’t the recurring ones i used to have. they exist in the same world still, but these are different. but they have the same feeling? like continuity. but i keep —jolting— awake. and it’s scary. i said i was for to start keeping better track of my dreams but they get so hazy. i’ll try harder.

• i have class tomorrow and i dont want to go and i figured out why. i feel inadequate. i don’t feel like i belong in any of my classes. and it’s bummy. wow and don’t tell anyone but especially my circuit training class i just feel so chubby 🙁

• but i’m making myself promise to not ditch anymore. because i kind of have been. and i know i shouldn’t. but i get so scared.

• i’m going to try to be better. the best version of me i can be.

mmt

Personal

a(nother?) new beginning

wow has it been awhile! i do this quite a lot, unfortunately. i’ll be so stoked about a side project that i drop my blog all together which is super silly considering a LOVE posting updates about my projects for y’all!

so here we go a(nother) new beginning for us here. a new beginning for myself.

is that allowed? am i allowed to start and refresh myself as i go on? i think it should be. i think we should keep reinventing ourselves every step of the way. always strive to be the best version of ourself.

i’ve started a bunch of new projects that i’m really stoked about! one of them is super secret and i’m not spilling! at least not yet! it’s still got a LONG way to go but i’m trying to add new details everyday!

i’ve also relaunched The Home Brew!

don’t know what the home brew is? well, my friend, it’s a creative cauldron of indie creatives where we all get together to share our art and passion for creating! each month i publish a zine with art that’s been submitted by indie creatives and i LOVE the work i’ve been exposed to! i took a little hiatus from this project at the end of last year but we’re back in full spring starting this february!

i also went back to school this semester! i’m working towards my bachelors in sociology and then i’m hoping to get my MFT license. i’m going part time this semester to get back on my feet and i think and i hope that i’m off to a good start!

so many new things in the works and i feel truly blessed lately. seasonal depression is still hitting hard but i’m working through it and trying to make everyday my best.

how have you been lately? any new projects in the works? let me know, let’s start a conversation!

mmt

diary

1/8/2020

7:07pm

i’ve been in a slump

a real real bad slump

and i can’t seem to get myself out of it

i’ll have one really good day but then i’m worn the duck out and idk how to break that down

i did five minutes of yoga the other day and almost died bc wow i’m out of practice

and today i was sooooo tired i slept til the afternoon

but i didn’t make some cool stuff today for my shop so i guess that’s cool

but i’m feeling,,,, uninspired.

or unenergized,

or unmotivated

idk

but my body feels heavy and my brain feels wavy

idk

anyways i’m gonna go make dinner 🤙🏼🖤🥺

Personal

sunday mornings

i notice the smell of coffee before i even open my eyes.

the light is pouring in through the slats of the blinds and i hear you humming in the kitchen.

i roll out of bed and walk up behind you.

i wrap my arms around your waist and press my face into the small of your bare back.

you feel like home.

you chuckle and whisper “good morning” as you spin around to hand me a warm mug.

there’s lowfi music playing gently from our speakers as i cross the room to the sofa.

as i set my cup down you spin me back around.

“i’m too sleepy” i grumble almost incoherently

“dance with me” you pull me in a soft embrace and lead me in a dance. it’s more of a gentle sway in our tiny kitchen area but it feels magickal nonetheless.

i share with you the experiences i had in my dreams the night before as you grumpily glare at the clues to your crossword.

we start breakfast together, and almost burn the biscuits, but my homemade gravy really pulls it all together; at least that’s what you tell me.

it’s in these little moments,

wrapped up in a million tiny touches and stares,

that i get so lost in the idea of us.

you and me and our tiny home and our tiny family

this has become my happiest place

— sunday mornings

Personal

To Write Love On Her Arms

hi friends!

so i know that the winter months can be a lot harder for some of us, myself included, and it’s got me thinking a lot about self-reflection.

when i was younger, and even into my college years, i struggled very much with depression, anxiety, and self harm. and this time of year is especially rough with hints of the past sprinkled in traditions.

well this holiday season, and into the new year, i’d like to do something different this year and try giving back to a community that helped me a lot growing up.

so there’s this foundation that i like a lot – To Write Love On Her Arms – and from now until january 31 i’ll be raising money for them and collecting donations!

TWLOHA is a campaign to help those struggling with depression, self harm, addiction, and suicidal ideation find the resources they need.

15% of each sale through my etsy shop with go towards TWLOHA or you can donate directly here:

i’m hoping to raise $500 in total over the month and i’m very excited to have this opportunity.

please share this post or my link if you feel so inclined 🖤🌸

mmt

diary

wednesday december 18, 2019

11:30pm

hi whats up long time no speak

i got knocked out by a cold this winter and have been majorly derailed by it but i’m trying desperately to get back on track for the new year

i have a lot of things if like to work on in 2020 and i’m hoping to start a good note

i’ll be posting sometime later about my goal and resolutions but for now i’m just trying to get back in the habit of writing and just being consistent

i have a lot of work to do

Personal

a letter to my 15 year old self

megan,

i know this past year was rough, and i wish i could tell you that it’ll ease up soon, but i think we both know you’re in for a lot of life lesson in these next few years.

but guess what baby girl, you will conquer everything that comes your way and come out stronger than you ever though possible.

don’t give up your dreams of writing and publishing. when you hit five years clean from self harm you’ll publish your first poetry collection and it will be the most wonderful experience. it’s not the first time you’ll see your name print, but it’ll be one of the most influential moments of your life.

never lose your spirit. i know your empathy has been twisted against you, but it has always been your super power. you love so deeply and so openly and it draws a lot of incredible people into your life. don’t forget to be grateful and don’t take those relationship for granted. they’ll build you back up when you’re feeling low.

hug your mom. i know that relationship isn’t always easy, but she truly does love you and always has good intentions in her heart. prepare for a lot of misunderstandings but know that you are cared for. please always remember that. tell kellen you appreciate him, too. do you remember when you first got sick and he gave the last of his halloween candy to make you feel better? hold on to that. it’s the little things that bring you two close and it always will be. buy him some carne asada fries if you can afford it and if can’t just share the last brownie with him, okay? these moments mean a lot.

more than anything, i desperately need you to know that pain is not a prerequisite for self-love and growth. you are capable of falling so deeply in love yourself no matter what. you deserve the love you give so freely to others. cherish yourself. love yourself. trust yourself. be your own best friend and know that you are worthy, always.

with all my love,

mmt

diary

11/30/2019 — saturday

5:10pm

hi whats up in 23 and never learned how to properly articulate my emotions

i just feel fuckn bummed. like maybe it’s weather i guess but shit this is hitting HARD. i don’t even know that i’m “sad” i’m just definitely not “happy” and this shit is getting out of hand

here’s a picture of belle to lighten the mood before i spiral

anyways

let’s see where do i even begin.

i’m cooped up in the house all day. the weather is miserable so i never go outside. i don’t have room to do proper yoga. i don’t have energy to to art. i don’t have the attention span to read. i’m a straight up MESS lately

and i feel dissatisfied in EVERY aspect of my life

i’m terrible person but i don’t even feel close to my lover,,,, not that i don’t absolutely LOVE them with my whole heart,,,,, i just feel so distant from everything and nothing feels okay

i smoke too much again. and i drink all the time again.

i wrote about 25k words for NaNoWriMo this year but then the story in my head triggered me and i spiraled. and now here i am??? but i’m not okay!!!!! and i feel like i’m shouting and flailing my arms and no one is listening!!!! no one can hear me and no one can help me!!!!! and i just have to figure this out myself but i don’t know HOW

i don’t even know where to start

i make lists for myself everyday but don’t have the energy for the follow thru.

i get sad by noon

and i sleep until about 2 in the afternoon

idk mate

i feel,,,,,, a longing in my heart and soul

like i’m missing something but i cant quite put my finger on what it is

but there’s a hole… and i don’t know how to fill it

nothing satisfies it

i’m stuck

maybe it’s me that i miss

but how do i get myself back. where did i even go? am i even gone? what the hell am i doing

i just keep second guessing myself and going off on tangents in my own mind

i need to rest now. do something different. phone a friend.

i’ll be back tomorrow…..

mmt

diary

11/26/19–tuesday

12:10am

anyways i have anxiety.

i did a tarot reading and talked with cool people and then had a flash and then woo boy my insides are a roller coaster right now

~

hi i’m back i meditate for like 7 minutes and i feel,,,, better now. not necessarily ~good~ but definitely better

i think today (after sleep) i will be learning am important lesson. one that i’ve been repeating for lifetimes. but i just don’t have the energy anymore

do better now

be better now

be my best self,,, now

she lay, so small. actually i guess really she sits. but anyways

my heart hurts.’

and i feel so heavy

and my solar plexus???? wooo geez

i think there’s something deeper i’m not seeing, a piece i’m not interpreting correctly

but i can think on that tomorrow when i’m sleep sleepy.

anyways

today was cool and this lil weekend and monday was pretty neat and i have so many ideas for new projects and wow i’m amazing tbh

i know i have food things on the horizon-/ and here with me now, as well!

but sometimes shedding baggage fucking hurts. letting those muscles relax aches a little…. a lot.

whatever tomorrow i’m doing a weigh in for my lil accountability thingy and i’m unpacking some old clothes! i’m actually not even nervous just excited to see what this winter brings and what my body is capable of!

i want to be cozy in this one specific sweater again and feeling that lever of comfortable and confident in something f is what i’m truly striving for

anyways i made a schedule

and also

i really try to stay prepared

anyways i’m gonna uhhhhh go sleep now

sleep well nerds 🖤🌸🌿