book club, Personal

welcome back to book club!

the homebrew book club is back! each week i’ll be ready a new book and chatting about here with y’all and on instagram! i’m also working with Raine Publishing to bring you the best of the best in new poetry and short stories! so you’ll get first looks at new projects by up and coming poets! i’m stoked!

this week, we’re reading Maroon Daydreams but Cheyenne Raine herself! i downloaded my copy of this book about a year ago but i never got around to reading it, truth be told. so i’m very excited to start it now and share my thoughts with all of you! make sure you also check out home brew books to stay up to date!

Personal

The Wind

honestly, today started out terribly. but i’m trying to keep a good spin on it.

i feel so disconnected lately.

lost.

and i’m not really sure who i am anymore.

i feel scattered.

i drew The Wind in a dream the other night. and that’s kind of how i feel.

and i guess part of it could be seasonal depression but it feel,,,, ~different~ than that.

• let me tell you the things that i do know, maybe as a record of where i am, now in this time, even just for myself:

• my name is megan marie and i’m a 23 year old creative cat mom. i guess thats the true base of who i see myself as. i like art a lot and belle is my baby my therapy cat and my familiar. i like to create things but sometimes i feel unmotivated, especially lately. i don’t really know anything other than that.

• isn’t that sad? that i can’t even come up with anything about myself? what do i like? what do i dislike? my lover says i’m in a ~mood~ where i “hate” everything but that doesn’t feel right either.

• and it’s the little things, you know? like how i say i love to paint but i never do it. or how i say i love yoga but i don’t actually make time to practice and meditate.

• am i just lazy? do i just lack the essential ability to follow through? what do i do?

• my name is megan marie and i write. and i feel. and sometimes i feel so much thats it’s overwhelming in my very being and i don’t know where my feelings end and others begin. buts it’s become my normal. i don’t notice a difference. my therapist used to call it codependency. i hated her.

• but i love to write. i always have. mainly because i constantly have an inner monologue that screams at me 24/7 until i scribble wildly with reckless abandon. and right now i have FOUR whole project that i’m working on but guess who’s a big ol dummy who never actually sits down and writes? you guessed it, it’s me.

• i want to feel….. invested? in something again. in myself again. and i don’t know how to do that. but i guess i’ll work on that.

• so here we are, the breakdown, where shit gets real. the manifestations. what do i want to be how do i make that a reality.

• i want to quit smoking, i’ve been saying it for a million years and at this points it’s just ridiculous that i haven’t quit. i’m really not proud of myself. i want to write a couple pieces for my projects everyday. i want to do yoga everyday. i want to read more and i want to create more. i want to set aside time for reading before bed and i want to set time through out my day to work on new projects.

• i also want to reconnect with my higher self. i feel so slumped over lately, like i’ve truly been cut off, and it aches. my solar plexus and heart chakra hurt almost constantly and i feel,,,, homesick. i’m not sure where home is though. what am i missing?

• i also keep having nightmares. but they aren’t the recurring ones i used to have. they exist in the same world still, but these are different. but they have the same feeling? like continuity. but i keep —jolting— awake. and it’s scary. i said i was for to start keeping better track of my dreams but they get so hazy. i’ll try harder.

• i have class tomorrow and i dont want to go and i figured out why. i feel inadequate. i don’t feel like i belong in any of my classes. and it’s bummy. wow and don’t tell anyone but especially my circuit training class i just feel so chubby 🙁

• but i’m making myself promise to not ditch anymore. because i kind of have been. and i know i shouldn’t. but i get so scared.

• i’m going to try to be better. the best version of me i can be.

mmt

Personal

a(nother?) new beginning

wow has it been awhile! i do this quite a lot, unfortunately. i’ll be so stoked about a side project that i drop my blog all together which is super silly considering a LOVE posting updates about my projects for y’all!

so here we go a(nother) new beginning for us here. a new beginning for myself.

is that allowed? am i allowed to start and refresh myself as i go on? i think it should be. i think we should keep reinventing ourselves every step of the way. always strive to be the best version of ourself.

i’ve started a bunch of new projects that i’m really stoked about! one of them is super secret and i’m not spilling! at least not yet! it’s still got a LONG way to go but i’m trying to add new details everyday!

i’ve also relaunched The Home Brew!

don’t know what the home brew is? well, my friend, it’s a creative cauldron of indie creatives where we all get together to share our art and passion for creating! each month i publish a zine with art that’s been submitted by indie creatives and i LOVE the work i’ve been exposed to! i took a little hiatus from this project at the end of last year but we’re back in full spring starting this february!

i also went back to school this semester! i’m working towards my bachelors in sociology and then i’m hoping to get my MFT license. i’m going part time this semester to get back on my feet and i think and i hope that i’m off to a good start!

so many new things in the works and i feel truly blessed lately. seasonal depression is still hitting hard but i’m working through it and trying to make everyday my best.

how have you been lately? any new projects in the works? let me know, let’s start a conversation!

mmt

Personal

sunday mornings

i notice the smell of coffee before i even open my eyes.

the light is pouring in through the slats of the blinds and i hear you humming in the kitchen.

i roll out of bed and walk up behind you.

i wrap my arms around your waist and press my face into the small of your bare back.

you feel like home.

you chuckle and whisper “good morning” as you spin around to hand me a warm mug.

there’s lowfi music playing gently from our speakers as i cross the room to the sofa.

as i set my cup down you spin me back around.

“i’m too sleepy” i grumble almost incoherently

“dance with me” you pull me in a soft embrace and lead me in a dance. it’s more of a gentle sway in our tiny kitchen area but it feels magickal nonetheless.

i share with you the experiences i had in my dreams the night before as you grumpily glare at the clues to your crossword.

we start breakfast together, and almost burn the biscuits, but my homemade gravy really pulls it all together; at least that’s what you tell me.

it’s in these little moments,

wrapped up in a million tiny touches and stares,

that i get so lost in the idea of us.

you and me and our tiny home and our tiny family

this has become my happiest place

— sunday mornings

Personal

I AM (an affirmation poem)

i am strong and i am resilient

i can

and i will

push through everything blocking my path

i am here

now

in this present moment

and overcome with such bliss that i can leap from cloud nine

i will survive

this and anything else that comes my way

i am here and i am love

and i can love

ever so deeply

that i dive into my passions with reckless abandon

make a mess and fall in love with me

myself

and i

i am here

hear me now

i’m not going anywhere

i will not leave you

stay the course

press on and stay true

to who you’ve always wanted to be

i will be here

i am here

i am here

i am here

mmt

Personal

getting back on track

hi theydies and gentlethems; i’m a bit of a mess lately.

if you hadn’t noticed, i haven’t exactly been sticking to my posting schedule. i know, i know, for shame!

but i wanted to take this time to tell y’alls about what i’ve been up to and what’s been going on with me and what i’m working on so leeeeeeets go!

i’ve been focusing on my ~Self~ lately and my health, recovery, and all around general well-being! and it’s going really well. i’m back to tracking on my little side fitness instagram (doingmybestdontyellatme LOL) and i’ve lost 5 pounds! i know it’s not a lot but baby steps make all the difference i just know it. i also got all my shit taken care of to get back into school!!! i’m so pumped- and i finally know for sure what i want to do and it’s sooooo close i can taste it. i’m changing my major this spring to Sociology and then after i get my bachelors i’ll get my MFT license! i want to be a yoga therapist!

AND i have three tutoring jobs this week! i’m back to doing work i’m really passionate about and it’ll give me enough money to pay all my bills. i’m thrilled, truly. i feel blessed!

things have been a rollercoaster lately (and i’m sure they will be for a while) but i’m starting to get used to it. starting to feel a little more comfortable and confident!

NaNoWriMo starts in a couple weeks and i have my next book all planned out! i cant wait to share more of it with you all next month!

and don’t forget — submissions for The Home Brew are still OPEN so make sure you message me or email me! i’d love to see your heart work 🖤

i think i’m going to start doing my diary posts again! i think they’re really good for me and they help me put my day-to-day stuff in perspective. expect more rambles!

much love — mmt

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 10/365

i lost track of the days

and then the nights started to blend into one another

i missed you

you were gone for so long

and i was lost without you

but i have faith in you and i know you’ll stick around this time

i won’t push you away anymore

i won’t shrink you down to feel less than you’re worth

i really, truly do love you

and everything that you’ve done for me

unconditionally from here in out

bless this home we’ve made for ourselves

— love notes to my damn self

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 8/365

but where will i go when i no longer call

the light in your eyes home? where will i stay when your arms no longer wrap me gently in a comforting embrace?

i need you now. i need you here.

but where are we going? i’ve followed you on this path for so long and i feel as though i’ve started to walk in circles. you have a dizzying, dazing effect on me.

leave me be. i beg.

i’m better off in the dark than dazed by your light – drowning in a sea of confusion and hazy memories.

“you taste like whiskey” is the only thing i hear echoing through my skull.

“so did you” i think.

so did you.

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 3/365

in the dark

i hear the call

to take my leave

as nighttime crawls

to greet the moon

with all her stars

i sit and listen

bathed in awe

i must go now

they beseech me still

but where will i land?

i ask the wind

and she waves on

brisk and light

leaving me in

another sleepless night

but i trudge on

for her i trust

to meet me home

each dawn and dusk

i follow the sound

that echoes through

my mind and soul

bathed anew

i see a glimmer

a stream of light

it’s coming to an end

this dreary night

i wrap myself

in a gentle hug

a needed embrace

for the one i love

the most in this world

i’ve found myself here

in the sunrise each morning

i hold myself dear

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 2/365

i peeled my eyes awake; flinching at the light. i could feel my entire expression contort into a grimace as i realized i had to face another day. not alone, but lonely — hollow in my surroundings. i could hear the silence. listening to the floor creak beneath me or the drone of the fridge or the hum of the lights overhead. this isn’t where i wanted to be. lost, again? i don’t know where to go anymore; or what to do. but i know i’m still looking for home.

i peeled my eyes awake; flinching at the light. i could feel my entire expression contort into a grimace as i realized i had to face another day. not alone, but lonely — hollow in my surroundings. i could hear the silence. listening to the floor creak beneath me or the drone of the fridge or the hum of the lights overhead. this isn’t where i wanted to be. lost, again? i don’t know where to go anymore; or what to do. but i know i’m still looking for home.