book club, Personal

welcome back to book club!

the homebrew book club is back! each week i’ll be ready a new book and chatting about here with y’all and on instagram! i’m also working with Raine Publishing to bring you the best of the best in new poetry and short stories! so you’ll get first looks at new projects by up and coming poets! i’m stoked!

this week, we’re reading Maroon Daydreams but Cheyenne Raine herself! i downloaded my copy of this book about a year ago but i never got around to reading it, truth be told. so i’m very excited to start it now and share my thoughts with all of you! make sure you also check out home brew books to stay up to date!

Personal

The Wind

honestly, today started out terribly. but i’m trying to keep a good spin on it.

i feel so disconnected lately.

lost.

and i’m not really sure who i am anymore.

i feel scattered.

i drew The Wind in a dream the other night. and that’s kind of how i feel.

and i guess part of it could be seasonal depression but it feel,,,, ~different~ than that.

• let me tell you the things that i do know, maybe as a record of where i am, now in this time, even just for myself:

• my name is megan marie and i’m a 23 year old creative cat mom. i guess thats the true base of who i see myself as. i like art a lot and belle is my baby my therapy cat and my familiar. i like to create things but sometimes i feel unmotivated, especially lately. i don’t really know anything other than that.

• isn’t that sad? that i can’t even come up with anything about myself? what do i like? what do i dislike? my lover says i’m in a ~mood~ where i “hate” everything but that doesn’t feel right either.

• and it’s the little things, you know? like how i say i love to paint but i never do it. or how i say i love yoga but i don’t actually make time to practice and meditate.

• am i just lazy? do i just lack the essential ability to follow through? what do i do?

• my name is megan marie and i write. and i feel. and sometimes i feel so much thats it’s overwhelming in my very being and i don’t know where my feelings end and others begin. buts it’s become my normal. i don’t notice a difference. my therapist used to call it codependency. i hated her.

• but i love to write. i always have. mainly because i constantly have an inner monologue that screams at me 24/7 until i scribble wildly with reckless abandon. and right now i have FOUR whole project that i’m working on but guess who’s a big ol dummy who never actually sits down and writes? you guessed it, it’s me.

• i want to feel….. invested? in something again. in myself again. and i don’t know how to do that. but i guess i’ll work on that.

• so here we are, the breakdown, where shit gets real. the manifestations. what do i want to be how do i make that a reality.

• i want to quit smoking, i’ve been saying it for a million years and at this points it’s just ridiculous that i haven’t quit. i’m really not proud of myself. i want to write a couple pieces for my projects everyday. i want to do yoga everyday. i want to read more and i want to create more. i want to set aside time for reading before bed and i want to set time through out my day to work on new projects.

• i also want to reconnect with my higher self. i feel so slumped over lately, like i’ve truly been cut off, and it aches. my solar plexus and heart chakra hurt almost constantly and i feel,,,, homesick. i’m not sure where home is though. what am i missing?

• i also keep having nightmares. but they aren’t the recurring ones i used to have. they exist in the same world still, but these are different. but they have the same feeling? like continuity. but i keep —jolting— awake. and it’s scary. i said i was for to start keeping better track of my dreams but they get so hazy. i’ll try harder.

• i have class tomorrow and i dont want to go and i figured out why. i feel inadequate. i don’t feel like i belong in any of my classes. and it’s bummy. wow and don’t tell anyone but especially my circuit training class i just feel so chubby 🙁

• but i’m making myself promise to not ditch anymore. because i kind of have been. and i know i shouldn’t. but i get so scared.

• i’m going to try to be better. the best version of me i can be.

mmt

Personal

To Write Love On Her Arms

hi friends!

so i know that the winter months can be a lot harder for some of us, myself included, and it’s got me thinking a lot about self-reflection.

when i was younger, and even into my college years, i struggled very much with depression, anxiety, and self harm. and this time of year is especially rough with hints of the past sprinkled in traditions.

well this holiday season, and into the new year, i’d like to do something different this year and try giving back to a community that helped me a lot growing up.

so there’s this foundation that i like a lot – To Write Love On Her Arms – and from now until january 31 i’ll be raising money for them and collecting donations!

TWLOHA is a campaign to help those struggling with depression, self harm, addiction, and suicidal ideation find the resources they need.

15% of each sale through my etsy shop with go towards TWLOHA or you can donate directly here:

i’m hoping to raise $500 in total over the month and i’m very excited to have this opportunity.

please share this post or my link if you feel so inclined 🖤🌸

mmt

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 3/365

in the dark

i hear the call

to take my leave

as nighttime crawls

to greet the moon

with all her stars

i sit and listen

bathed in awe

i must go now

they beseech me still

but where will i land?

i ask the wind

and she waves on

brisk and light

leaving me in

another sleepless night

but i trudge on

for her i trust

to meet me home

each dawn and dusk

i follow the sound

that echoes through

my mind and soul

bathed anew

i see a glimmer

a stream of light

it’s coming to an end

this dreary night

i wrap myself

in a gentle hug

a needed embrace

for the one i love

the most in this world

i’ve found myself here

in the sunrise each morning

i hold myself dear

creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 2/365

i peeled my eyes awake; flinching at the light. i could feel my entire expression contort into a grimace as i realized i had to face another day. not alone, but lonely — hollow in my surroundings. i could hear the silence. listening to the floor creak beneath me or the drone of the fridge or the hum of the lights overhead. this isn’t where i wanted to be. lost, again? i don’t know where to go anymore; or what to do. but i know i’m still looking for home.

i peeled my eyes awake; flinching at the light. i could feel my entire expression contort into a grimace as i realized i had to face another day. not alone, but lonely — hollow in my surroundings. i could hear the silence. listening to the floor creak beneath me or the drone of the fridge or the hum of the lights overhead. this isn’t where i wanted to be. lost, again? i don’t know where to go anymore; or what to do. but i know i’m still looking for home.

Personal

will you be my neighbor?

hey theydies and gentlethems i know it’s been awhile, but today i wanted to talk about community healing, neighbors, and my (future) mom in law.

growing up in that weird time zone between

~hey let’s go outside~

and

~hey what’s a nintendo~

i don’t, honestly, really know my neighbors? i have these strange vague memories of shows like mr rogers

(maybe she’s born with it; maybe it’s trauma)

but no solid foundation of memories or understandings of this concept of small neighborhoods.

but geez, wouldn’t it have been nice?

and i feel blessed to have people in my life and in my community who stand out. there was alway that one teacher in my school’s neighborhood who handed out the best candy at halloween and was the sweetest figure on campus.

and now, i know i’m a little out of touch with those around me, but my family is expanding!

my mom in law is a beautiful matriarchal figure who has come into my sphere and she has blessed my life with many laughs, smiles, stories, insights, and healing faith.

she’s the type of person you always want in your corner — a true and honest to goodness Mom™️ (if you know what i mean)

and here’s where i kneel down a bit because i’ve come here to ask for your help:

like i said, this woman is a glowing beacon in every circle she touches. and she’s set up a GoFundMe, not for herself, but for her neighbor; whose story i’d like to share with you here:

Jay Thomas had a difficult couple of years.  He is a Security Guard that has worked for the same company for 17 years. His wife was diagnosed with early onset dementia in 2009 and passed away on 7-13-17.  They had been married for 22 years and were raising 2 teenagers at the time.  Life was not easy, but Jay never complained. 

       Fast forward 7 months: Jay’s house, along with all of his physical memories of his wife, burned to the ground due to an electrical fire.  He was contacted by a contractor with a bid to rebuild his house. He checked with his Insurance company and they said they had done business with that particular company before, so he hired him in good faith.  He gave half of  the Insurance claim ($77,000)  to the contractor to begin work on his house.  Jay was in a hotel for 15 months and nothing was happening with his house…. The contractor had taken the money and run.  Now Jay is living on his property — no house, just a borrowed 5th wheel and a generator.  He went to the State Contractor’s Board to see what they could do and to try to get his money back.  They came and looked at his property, but said they couldn’t do anything about it.  They could file a complaint, but they couldn’t force him to pay the money back.  On May 23, 2019  the contractor was arrested on other charges. It is doubtful that Jay will retrieve any of his money as there are several other complaints of theft by people that the contractor also stole from.

    Jay is the life of the neighborhood.  He is always checking on other people to make sure everything is ok and often gives of himself even he himself is in need.   We need neighbors like Jay.  Please help us help him.  The amount of money he has left in escrow won’t pay for a house, but if we can recover what was stolen from him, it will.”

those are her words recounting the story of a beloved friend. and she’s right, you know, we need more people like this in our communities – in our neighborhoods.

if you can donate This is the Link to the GoFundMe.

but what i really need you all to hear is that shares go a long way too.

i, personally, couldn’t give the $5 minimum donation because of my medical leave and others personal issues and bc i’m a #BrokeBitch whatever.

but we can at least drop a link.

share the story.

spread the word.

i think my momma in law said it best:

“we need neighbors like Jay; help us help him”

thank you for taking the time to listen 🖤

mmt

artists, book club, cozy blogging, creative writing, Personal, soft and powerful

healing through art

hi theydies and gentlethems i hope your week is going well! today i’d like to talk about something near and dear to my heart — healing through art 🌱🖤

so as some of you may know i just published issue one of my new zine The Home Brew! it aims to be a collective, a creative cauldron of ideas, for those living in the shadows.

the whole point of The Home Brew is to give us all a place to heal through our creative soul work! and i want to chat a little bit about that today.

art therapy is the first thing that ever clicked for me. learning to express myself through these new and creative ways gave me room to really examine my feelings and what i was going through. it gave me a place to cope and heal in a healthy, productive way.

it was messy.

i think it always will be because in general i’m just a messy person

but it was fun and it was healing and it was cathartic and it was restorative.

when i first moved into my grandmas house back when i was 19 the walls of my room were bare and empty.

i felt hallow there.

and i first i was tentative to put something that i made on my walls because i didn’t think it would be ~aesthetically pleasing~ but damn. decorating my space with my art was the best move i ever made

personal paintings and mixed media collages and just so many different types of creative expression! it gave me room to FEEL!

and that’s what i so desperately needed at the time. room to feel and process in a healthy, not-so-destructive, way.

and that’s what i hope The Home Brew can be now.

a place for indie artists to plant their first thoughts and rough drafts.

the first notes of a song. a sketch done in the corner of napkin.

a little place to feel out our emotions and share them with others.

a safe space for creatives of all kinds

diary, Personal

let’s talk accountability

4:06pm

so here’s the thing, theydies and gentlethems, i am absolutely TERRIBLE at taking my own advice.

i go into everything with best intentions – best laid plans and all that jazz – and i even come here and recount my best intentions and efforts! but do i follow through? not nearly as wholeheartedly as i wish i could i say here.

i’ve talked about habits and routines and why planners are essential for me. i’ve talked about how i color coordinated my entire existence and helped make a system that works for me — so why can i never get passed tuesday when it comes to habit tracking?

i run out of spoons.

i run out of energy.

i push myself so fucking hard sunday, monday, and tuesday that by the time wednesday rolls around i am EXHAUSTED and ready to spiral.

so how do i learn to take my own advice?

“moderation in all things; including moderation”

pace myself.

break my goals into tiny chunks and STICK TO IT

i can’t tell you how many times i’ve “fallen off the wagon” whether its daily habit tracking or sobriety. i set up lofty goals for myself. i set up a schedule so rigid it’s be impossible to follow. i set myself up to fail.

but i’m ready to do better.

one day at a time.

one day at a time.

one day at a time.

so i’ll be back to my diary posts for accountability tracking. i’m working really hard to (1) sober up, (2) quit smoking, and (3) train for a 5k! i’m excited for this adventure and honestly i’m just using this as a space to talk myself through the hard days 🤙🏼 have fun watching the train wreck that will be my “recovery”

mmt

book club, cozy blogging, creative writing, diary, Personal

Issue One is Ready to EDIT

next week is all about editing The Home Brew issue one! if you have any last minute submissions GET THEM IN

i’m so STOKED to be sharing this with you all!

i’ll be back to regular book chats next week (i’m ready a beautiful poetry collection right now!) and i’m gonna RANT about modern poetry so stay tuned!

mmt

cozy blogging, Personal, soft and powerful

i suck at coping

what is up theydies and gentlethems i’m sorry this post is about 14 hours late but what can i say – a bitch is struggling.

i skipped group therapy three times this week and i’m supposed to go tomorrow but i am SCARED so today instead of incoherent ramblings i’m going to make a list of coping mechanisms that ARENT harmful or toxic as a little reminder to myself and maybe even others for those ~bad days~


  • abstinence (sobriety)
  • breathing exercises
  • physical exercising
  • create!
  • communicate your feelings
  • healthy distractions
  • forgiveness
  • help someone out
  • do your dishes
  • do your laundry
  • just do some dang chores in general because if you’re in slump you’ve probably been putting them off
  • take your meds!
  • drink some water
  • go for a walk
  • remember why you’ve e discussed and learned in therapy
  • call a friend
  • pause and think
  • mediate
  • listen to music
  • dance to music!
  • play a video game
  • make sure you’re listening and hearing and understanding those around you – and yourSELF
  • spend time with your pets
  • spend time with friends and family
  • take a nap
  • eat a healthy meal
  • eat some ice cream because it’s good soul food
  • do some yoga
  • listen to a podcast
  • spend time with fresh air

and that’s the list i have written in my journal! if you have any other good coping mechanisms throw them my way!!!

much love

mmt