creative writing, Personal, poetry

#mmtpoetry365 — 2/365

i peeled my eyes awake; flinching at the light. i could feel my entire expression contort into a grimace as i realized i had to face another day. not alone, but lonely — hollow in my surroundings. i could hear the silence. listening to the floor creak beneath me or the drone of the fridge or the hum of the lights overhead. this isn’t where i wanted to be. lost, again? i don’t know where to go anymore; or what to do. but i know i’m still looking for home.

i peeled my eyes awake; flinching at the light. i could feel my entire expression contort into a grimace as i realized i had to face another day. not alone, but lonely — hollow in my surroundings. i could hear the silence. listening to the floor creak beneath me or the drone of the fridge or the hum of the lights overhead. this isn’t where i wanted to be. lost, again? i don’t know where to go anymore; or what to do. but i know i’m still looking for home.

artists, book club, cozy blogging, creative writing, Personal, soft and powerful

healing through art

hi theydies and gentlethems i hope your week is going well! today i’d like to talk about something near and dear to my heart — healing through art 🌱🖤

so as some of you may know i just published issue one of my new zine The Home Brew! it aims to be a collective, a creative cauldron of ideas, for those living in the shadows.

the whole point of The Home Brew is to give us all a place to heal through our creative soul work! and i want to chat a little bit about that today.

art therapy is the first thing that ever clicked for me. learning to express myself through these new and creative ways gave me room to really examine my feelings and what i was going through. it gave me a place to cope and heal in a healthy, productive way.

it was messy.

i think it always will be because in general i’m just a messy person

but it was fun and it was healing and it was cathartic and it was restorative.

when i first moved into my grandmas house back when i was 19 the walls of my room were bare and empty.

i felt hallow there.

and i first i was tentative to put something that i made on my walls because i didn’t think it would be ~aesthetically pleasing~ but damn. decorating my space with my art was the best move i ever made

personal paintings and mixed media collages and just so many different types of creative expression! it gave me room to FEEL!

and that’s what i so desperately needed at the time. room to feel and process in a healthy, not-so-destructive, way.

and that’s what i hope The Home Brew can be now.

a place for indie artists to plant their first thoughts and rough drafts.

the first notes of a song. a sketch done in the corner of napkin.

a little place to feel out our emotions and share them with others.

a safe space for creatives of all kinds

artists, book club, cozy blogging, creative writing, diary, Personal, poetry, soft and powerful, tarot, vlog

the home brew – submissions OPEN

what is UP theydies and gentlethems? i hope you’re all having a lovely week.

usually today i’d do a ~cozy post~ but i’m interrupting our usual programming for an announcement from The Home Brew

SUBMISSIONS FOR ISSUE ONE CLOSE ON SEPTEMBER 22.

(submissions are ABSOLUTELY still welcome but they will be pushed back to the second issue!)

i have received some of the most beautiful pieces of art i have ever seen, i absolutely love this. i am so excited to be able to create a community of rad human artists and creatives and give us a space to GROW as artists and as people! thank you for sharing your soul work with me!

“a monthly literary and art publication coming soon to a browser near you (and maybe even as a physical zine!)

The Home Brew is here to be creative cauldron of ideas. a place where the voices of those in the shadows can come together and meld into something magical.

i’m hoping to discuss topics such as:

spirituality

mental health awareness

LGBTQ+ lifestyle

cozy witchcraft

modern poetry

mixed media/digital art

photography

and whatever else we can come up with together”

all mediums are welcome! the submissions info is as follows:

• email me: freelovingwitch@gmail.com

in the email – use the subject SUBMISSION – and include the following:

• who are you? (name, pronouns, passions, whatever you’d like everyone to know about you)

• what are you submitting? (is it a song? a poetry collection? a website? an entire soundcloud account/album? let me know) describe it!

• what’s your creative process like?

• what would you like to say about what you’re submitting

• links to promote you (blog, twitter handle, insta name, etc)

• something that makes you YOU! what is your passions what is your purpose what pushes you to create!

attach any links or files you’d like to be reviewed and anything else you’d like me to know.

let’s cultivate a space for art together 🌻

mmt

Personal, soft and powerful

thoughts from recovery

today i am struggling.

i wanted to write a lovely little piece about art therapy and it’s benefits but my mind is fuzzy and i feel so lackluster it hurts.

i promise i’ll put a pin in art therapy and revisit it later this week, but for today i want to talk about recovery and sobriety.

(trigger warning: self harm, mental illness, addiction)

i’ve been in the therapy/recovery process for seven years. what started as trauma counseling quickly unfolded into weekly meetings and the looming thoughts of a terrible “relapse”.

my first addiction was self-harm. i hurt myself from the time i was 15 to about a month before my 18th birthday. it was three years of self inflicted torture and i felt i deserved every minute of it.

but i got “clean” and i’ve stayed “clean” for five years now (and it’s been a blessing) but those five years were HARD. harder and more exhausting than when i was self harming out of anger and depression.

so i started swapping coping mechanisms.

when i was 16 i started smoking cigarettes regularly.

at 17 i started drinking; heavily.

by 18 i was smoking weed daily calling it self medication and recreation all in one fun high.

this grew and blossomed into hazy years and i won’t lie, i grew A LOT. and i’m thankful for the fact that i stopped literally self harming even though i had only developed bad coping mechanisms in its place. but i justified it.

i still justify it.

“smoking a cigarette is better then cutting”

but is it? my therapists say yes but my brain says if i’m using them the same way isn’t it just as bad?

“having a couple drinks is normal and not unhealthy”

but what about when it gets to the point where i can’t remember my evenings and feel miserable the next morning.

what about the guilt? and shame? am i doing this to myself?

now, i’m waking up and growing more at 23 and honestly i’m lost and scared.

i’m in an intensive outpatient program. for the fifth time now. i quit the first four early and i made a promise that i’d stick it out this time but woo boy a bitch is struggling.

am i an addict?

am i an alcoholic?

am i still “self harming”?

i struggle with this. daily. constantly. and even as i write this, i don’t have answers to my questions.

and that’s scary.

i’m screaming into the void but it’s not even screaming back.

some programs say abstinence in sobriety and recovery is the only way.

some programs say to practice using more safely. consume alcohol more responsibly. smoke less frequently.

but can i? do i just lack willpower? what am i doing wrong?

i made it to one week sober and then convinced myself i could handle a drink.

but that turned into two nights of over-drinking, maybe even binging, i don’t know the exact line to draw there. and i’m left feeling guilt and shame again.

i’m not trying to bring the atmosphere down here, but i guess i’m trying to start a conversation.

we all pull through. i always pull through.

and i’m still growing, everyday.

but i worry i could be doing more, and faster. i worry i’m not doing good enough. i worry i’m failing at recovery.

and i know, i know recovery isn’t a linear process but i wish i at least had some sign or affirmation that i’m going the right way.

*

on a lighter note:

today i’m taking the day off for myself as a “mental health day”

i’m taking a relaxing and cleansing shower, tidying the house, tracking all my daily routines, and spending time with my teeny family.

i’m doing things that fill me with peace and love and joy and i’m not dwelling on the hurt. only the happiness.

much lovex

mmt

book club, Personal

“LET’S TALK ABOUT” by Katrina Loos — book chat and review

hey theydies and gentlethems this week i wanted to talk about a poetry collection that i had the honor of beta reading and editing! it’s a wonderful collection by Katrina Loos entitled “Lets Talk About It.” you can find her on twitter (@thekatrinaloos) and she’s also a top writer on Medium!

her writing ranges in topics: primarily medical cannabis, mental health, and healing. and this collection of poems truly embodies what i love about our freelovingwitch coven: its open, honest, and real.

it’s brave. truly.

and i can’t wait for you all to read it. you can find it on amazon in a beautifully put together paperback format with cover art designed by Katrina herself.

i’ll be talking a little more in-depth about it in a vlog tomorrow but what i want to hammer home here is how much i APPRECIATE this piece of work.

Let’s Talk About It. is brave and inspiring. it tears down the stigma around mental illness and urges us to open up and discuss topics that aren’t always comfortable.

we push on.

we grow.

we heal.

we thrive.

and growing is the hardest part. breaking down is easy — the growth period is what’s hard. we have to confront things we’ve been burying or hiding for so long and actually put in the work to heal them. and if there’s any peace i can give to katrina it’s that healing isn’t linear. and it takes time. but your bravery helps others find comfort in speaking out and your bravery in itself is inspiring.

like katrina writes “this book is for the one/ who yearn to translate/ their anxiety into words/ but don’t know how it’s done”

i truly think it’ll be a revelation for some.

opening up can be the best form of healing. breaking down barriers and stigmas in the mental health community is crucial for growth and writers like katrina are leading the way.

so let’s talk about it:

have you checked out this collection yet? what did you think? what else have you been reading lately? what coping skills do you keep in your tool box for when your anxiety flares up? what helps you heal?

stay safe and stay strong.

mmt

cozy blogging, Personal, soft and powerful

habit tracking

wow today’s gonna be a toughie.

i overSLEPT. i got about 13 hours of sleep and woo boy i feel like garbage.

today’s post is relatively similar to yesterday’s — i want to talk about habit tracking.

yes, i know, this is just boring part of cozy routines but hey o y’all get to have the ~depression experience~ today so enjoy!

theydies and gentlethems this is why habit tracking crucial – even in the days when you wake up with zero spoons, you’re cozy routines and habit tracking will give you something to fall back on. you can literally SEE what you accomplished yesterday and what you CAN accomplish today. even if it’s just a bit smaller.

this is also why i prescribe to the “no zero-day” philosophy! (we did it, reddit)

so yesterday i my lil habit tracker tells me i:

• woke up on time

• got my walk in or hit my step goal

• smoked 🙁

• did my tarot spread

• took a shower

• did duolingo

• (worked) on mySELF

• wrote

• meditated

• worked on my blog

• read

• worked on my zine

• took all my meds

• and stayed sober!

so: even though yesterday i had about 6 spoons and today i feel like i only have 3; i can still rely on my habit tracking to keep ME on track and growing in the right direction.

so, no i didn’t wake up on time today. but i can continue to stay sober. i can keep my streak going on duolingo – it only takes like ten minutes bitch you got this. i find peace in meditation and tarot reading and i’ve already worked those into my morning routine AND my lover and i are going on a walk after dinner this evening.

granted:

• it’ll probably be a shorter walk

• i already smoked 🙁

• i spent less time dedicated to tarot and meditation today

• and sobriety is harder today…

but baby steps are still progress and that’s we’re doing here.

(wanna see something cute?

she’s laying on me as a cat bed while i write this. pet therapy at its finest.)

overall babes, i hope you find SOMETHING that helps you help yourself grow.

big fanatical plans and organizational habits were so enticing and i bought every planner and stationary set i could find but damn your bitch is TIRED. (and broke lol) but honestly this is something that actually seems helpful to me right now and i thought maybe it could help you too.

let me know what kind of hinges you like to track in your planner or what magickal things you like to keep in your routine! i love chatting with y’all 🌱🖤

mmt

creative writing, Personal

“labyrinth” excerpt

welcome back theydies and gentlethems, today i wanted to share with you an excerpt from my next collection which i have code-named “labyrinth”.

if you remover from this post its story of surviving trauma and learning to heal through the recovery process all told through dream sequences, journal entries, and a smidge of exposition.

so here we go:

Trigger Warning

i jolt up, woken up by my own screaming. tears stream down my face as i hyperventilate

inhale count to four

exhale count to six

wait it’s eight

inhale exhale inhale exhale

i can’t catch my breath and i’m panicking now. the room is spinning and my mind is out of control. i’m losing it. i shut my eyes tight until the fireworks light up behind my eyelids – trying to focus on anything other than my spinning thoughts

but then i feel pressure at the foot of my bed. i hear the softest meow and a soft head bumps against my crossed legs.

she’s sitting in my lap now. this strange little creature who seems to sense when i need her. i calm my breaths as i feel her purr against me. it’s okay, i tell her, everythings okay. mommas okay. we’re safe. i’m safe.

i keep repeating it until i finally fall back to sleep with her purring on my chest.

its all about the love of my life.

leave me some feedback, if you feel so inclined. and leave me links to your work so we share!

xx

mmt

creative writing, Personal, poetry

new project updates and first looks

so, as you may recall, we talked about the DREAMER series already — as much as i could at least.

well, theydies and gentlethems, my brain won’t shut the fuck up so now i have two other pieces in the works. one is tentatively titled “Just Between Us” and the second doesn’t have a name yet but we’re code naming it “Labyrinth” and honestly i’m stoked for both.

i want to publish Labyrinth before JBU but they both have a long way to go still. i’m hoping labyrinth will have a rough draft finished by the end of summer and published by the end of the year and then i’m hoping to have JBU finished by the beginning of 2020 and published sometime later in the year.

so, uh, yea. that’s what i have been and will continue to be working on!

but i wanted to share a little snippet/description of each so here ya go:

•••

Labyrinth:

• a story of trauma and healing told through dreams and journal entries. an in depth look at how PTSD can haunt someone and their nightmares and waking moments. — (trigger wanting)

“i hear your voice raging from outside my door and and the sound of my heart pounding in my chest. it’s like all the oxygen has left the room and my lungs are collapsing. you pound at the door again, threatening to invade. i close my eyes. i try to scream but no words come out. i try to run but there’s nowhere to go. i’m hiding inside myself now. trapped. but, by who? you or my own damn self. i hear your voice, filled with anger, shouting obscenities in my direction.

everything goes silent. i catch my breath.

but then the door handle turns and all of sudden there you are. invading my house. invading my room. invading…

i jolt up, eyes open, drenched in a cold sweat.

inhale count to four

exhale count to eight

inhale count to four

exhale count to eight

i start to hyperventilate. i’ll never figure out these damn breathing exercises. my wrists ache like they’re desperate for release of the demons inside them.

i try to reason with the monsters inside my head but they follow no path of logic. just the knowledge that hurting myself is easier than letting you hurt me, still, after all this time.

i look at my clock: three in the morning.

nightmares right on schedule. i stare at my ceiling fan and try to follow its path with my eyes, counting its rotations. too exhausted to do anything productive but too petrified to fall back asleep. i grab my journal out from under my bed:

*

march 28, 2014 — 3:16am

i’m tired… literally and figuratively. i’m drowning in so many emotions and i’m tired of trying to come up for air. the nightmares haven’t stopped. it’s been almost three goddamn years and the nightmares still won’t stop. what am i doing wrong?…”

i know. a bit heavy. but it’s been weighing my mind down and it’s time to release it. release me.

•••

Just Between Us:

• the story of a rollercoaster of a decade long relationship. trials and tribulations, heartache and trust, hope and betrayal. a story about trauma bonding and the effects it has on abusive relationships, abusers, and those being abused. all told through letters to an old friend. — Trigger Warning

“dear friend,

i don’t even know if you’ll remember me

we parted ways so long ago

but you said

to always rethink of you

and write to you if anything exciting happened

well nothing exciting ever happens here

but i’ve fallen

into the

bad place

again and i’m trying to get out

i thought

maybe

you could help me get out

help me

e s c a p e

the

bad place

by letting me write to you

you don’t have to reply if my letters,

my stories,

get too heavy

i know you have a life of your own

but i’m stuck

and this is the only way i can figure to

get out


dear friend,

i’ve fallen off the wagon again

i don’t even know what that terms means to me anymore

it used to mean cutting

slicing my wrists so the physical pain outweighed the emotional toll

but now it’s

smoking

and drinking

and over eating

so i guess

my fall off the wagon wasn’t a major one

but a minor setback

dear friend

here we are again

i’m not really quite sure who i am anymore

i feel lost

and broken

and empty

and confused

i hurt

all over

and i’m not sure where to start

or how to even begin

to pick up the pieces

and try again

i want to go home”

i’ll never say i miss you, but i miss what we had. let’s get personal.

•••

so there you have it theydies and gentlethems! some new projects headed your way soon!

as always, let me know what you think in the comments! which series are you most excited for? do you have any questions about them? what does you WIP list look like? let’s chat!

mmt

artists, creative writing, Personal, poetry

Introducing: The Home Brew

i feel like i do this at least once a month but I HAVE A NEW IDEA AND IM REALY EXCITED ABOUT IT

as some of you may know i’ve been bouncing around the idea of a bookshelf/gallery where i could host a collective of different indie art. well, i think i’m going to turn it into a monthly zine — The Home Brew

a monthly literary and art publication coming soon to a browser near you (and maybe even as a physical zine!)

The Home Brew is here to be creative cauldron of ideas. a place where the voices of those in the shadows can come together and meld into something magical.

i’m hoping to discuss topics such as:

spirituality

mental health awareness

LGBTQ+ lifestyle

cozy witchcraft

modern poetry

mixed media/digital art

photography

and whatever else we can come up with together

i’m really excited to start getting this off the ground and i need submissions! we’ll officially launch by January 2020 – but we’ll see how we do before then.

i’m so excited i’ve spent the whole day revamping the site and my social accounts to reflect the changes! i really think this is going to be the best outlet for my passions and i’m excited to share it all with you!

stay tuned for updates!

mmt